Nothing lasts forever
by PinkShiori
Summary: Clarke and Lexa meet in college, they fall in instant friendship both online and IRL. Lexa wears a cool necklace. But good things are not meant to last, are they ? [Fixed the wacky formating ! (I think)]
1. Chapter 1

So this is the first story I put up out there since... wow, 2007 ! The Clexa fandom brought me back to life as a writer !  
This is based on my own college experience, so some details might differ from yours if you're from any other country than France. If you aren't, then let's hang !  
Also come say hi on tumblr : pinkshiori.

 **Nothing lasts forever**

Clarke and Lexa meet in college, no wait, this is not exactly how it happens. It all starts in Trikru Dojo - The best in Polis - on the last session before Summer Break when Lexa Woods tells her sparring partner how excited she is about starting on the Linguistics curriculum at Polis University in September.

"Wait, you're going to be a Linguistics major at Polis U ?" Octavia asks.  
"That's exactly what I just said, O."  
"No way ! This is awesome !" she squeals.  
"I... guess..." Lexa frowns, unsure as to how her choice of major could elicit such an intense reaction. "I would have picked international business, but I realized I'm more interested in the theory behind languages rather than actually using them. Did you know that -"  
"No that ! You nerd !" Octavia cuts her off. "You're doing the exact same thing as my friend, Clarke. What are the odds, huh ?"  
"Oh." Lexa shrugs. So what if she's going to be in the same lecture hall as someone Octavia knows ? So are four hundred other people.  
"No but I'm serious, you really need to meet her ! Clarke used to hang out with my brother in high school, but she's really my best friend ! She's the coolest person ever ! And she's a nerd, just like you ! You'll definitely get along, I know it ! Here."

It is the year 2005 and before she can protest, Octavia gives Lexa's her friend's e-mail adress and tells her to add her up on MSN messenger.

Lexa turns her computer on the moment she gets home and squints at Octavia's scribbles, hesitating. She is not really keen on meeting new people, she always feels like she is going to say the wrong thing and make a fool of herself. But college is scary and it might be good to know at least one person before it starts. Besides it's not like she is going to meet Octavia's friend in person. Not yet anyway.  
So she takes a deep breath and sends an add request to not_a_gryffindor with a short message.

T. Lex (TrikruLexa87 ) say :  
\- Hey, sorry to bother you, I am a friend of Octavia Blake, I know her from karate lessons and she told me we might be in the same class next year at Polis U. So, hi.

The answer comes shortly after.

Klark Gryff - [Slytherin Pride 3] - Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias (not_a_gryffindor ) say :  
\- Lexaaaaaa !  
\- Hey !  
\- O texted me about you ! what a coincidence, right ?  
\- Nice to meet you, I'm Clarke Griffin  
\- with an e at the end.  
\- it's a not a typo lol

T. Lex (TrikruLexa87 ) say :  
\- Hello Clarke  
\- I'm Lexa.

Klark Gryff - [Slytherin Pride 3] - Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias (not_a_gryffindor ) say :  
\- I know lol

T. Lex (TrikruLexa87 ) say :  
\- sorry

Klark Gryff - [Slytherin Pride 3] - Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias (not_a_gryffindor ) say :  
\- no problem. btw your nick sounds like a japanese dinosaur, I like it  
\- You play video games ? O told me you did.

Clarke is from Arkadia, a small town in the outskirts of Polis, a very small town, a village actually, where they consider themselves lucky to even have an internet connexion at all, not matter how shitty it is. Nothing much to do over there unless you're a very outdoorsy person, which Clarke is not. So Clarke happens to spend most of her free time online or playing video games. So does Lexa, even though she lives right in Polis. She likes it best inside her oom.  
Clarke's father is an international pilot so most of the time it's just her and her mother. Sometimes she feels like she doesn't have a father at all. Lexa's father left her mother when Lexa was a baby, so yeah, she knows the feeling.

By the time college starts for real, they know more about each other than anyone else does.

September cannot come soon enough, but finally Lexa stands by the door to her first college class ever, where she and Clarke had agreed to meet, and waits.  
She did not know what to expect, but it certainly was not to be suddenly engulfed in a bone crushing hug. The hair in her face is exceptionally soft and smells like flowers - somehow the only tings she can think of is how the night before Clarke had complained about having to go and wash her hair before their first day. Before she can actually react, the girl releases her and places her hands on her shoulders.  
"Hey Lexa ! You're really Lexa, right ? Please tell me I did not just hug a random stranger !"  
"Hello, Clarke." Lexa simply answers.  
"Hi."

Clarke is everything Lexa is not. Where lexa is all strength and toned muscles, Clarke is all creamy skin an soft, generous curves. While lexa breasts are practically non existent, Clarke's are the very definition of good cleavage. Lexa feel a bit bad about noticing it right away, but let's be honest no one can miss that. Clarke would later confess that she wears a D cup, which in reality makes bra shopping a nightmare and is the reason she gave up on any kind of sport altogether, and that she's incredibly jealous of Lexa's more manageable assets.

Clarke comes with a ready set of friends, a hundred of them it seems. Lexa doesn't know, she doesn't keep count, she doesn't care. Clarke is more than enough.

They partner up for every single class project. Lexa is brilliant and dedicated. Clarke could be brilliant too, but she realizes during the first weeks that linguistics is not really her calling, so she just aims for average until she can switch majors at the end of the year. One day during a particularly boring lecture the teacher catches them giggling and doodling. "As I see it, ladies, if you think I'm so boring, why don't you just leave instead of disturbing my classe ?" he says. Clarke grabs both their stuff and they leave the room. That guy is an ass and Lexa is already at the top of their year anyway. It's the first time Lexa skips class, ever.

Every night after school they log in on MSN Messenger and talk for hours even after a whole day spent together.  
Lexa is a nerd, and an introvert but somehow spending time with Clarke is not as taxing as it should be. Clarke is easy to talk to. She could have been miss popular but she is also a major dork and a fantasy geek. She can go on for hours about the last RPG game she played. Sometimes they play together.

Clarke is like that online best friend you can tell everything to, except better because you get to see them for real, even touch them.

Clarke is all about the casual touching, Lexa not so much. She can hardly remember the last time she made physical contact with someone outside the dojo. The spontaneous hugs in the hallways are disconcerting at first, but it's what Clarke does, so she never complains. After a while she gets used to it.  
Clarke also enjoys giving her friends scalp massages, they are very relaxing. Clake says she likes Lexa's hair the most. Lexa cannot see why. It's a thick mess of boring brown curls. She cut it short once - years ago - and it stood in funny angles no matter what. So she sticks to braiding it in a nerdy but practical hairstyle. But sometimes, more and more often, she takes the braids out and let the curls fall freely on the side of her neck. It makes it easier for Clarke to run her fingers through it.  
It's always Clarke who initiates physical contact, Lexa does not know how to.

Clarke's mother is very strict, she refuses to let her live on campus, although Arkadia is a good one hour ride away. But Abby Griffin is a surgeon at Polis hospital, 10 minutes away from campus, so she drops her off in the morning and takes her back in the evening. When their schedules don't match Clarke waits with Lexa in the library.  
Sometimes they study. Most often they do fanworks for their favourite games and post them on Livejournal. Lexa writes stories and Clarke draws, she is very talented.  
They make up a whole new language only them can speak. It is fun and pretty useful when passing notes.

They have sleepovers too. Always at Clarke's home, because Abby Griffin is not willing to let her daughter out of her sight longer than necessary. Lexa doesn't mind, her own home sucks anyway. They marathon the whole six seasons of Xena the Warrior Princess and binge on skittles. Lexa hates those but Clarke loves them, so she always makes sure to bring some over. Afterwards Clarke draws Lexa in full battle gear, sword and chakram included. Lexa pins it to the wall by her bed.

Lexa has a little brother, step brother, really. She adores him, but he is 8 years younger. Clarke is an only child. It is good to have someone you can talk to about anything, everything. They talk about sex a lot, as a concept, as ideas, never in relation to themselves. Lexa is very gay, she knows that, she's known since she was 14 and had a crush on Angelina Jolie. Clarke not so much. At least Lexa isn't sure. Mostly she doesn't seem interested in dating at all. Clarke does get random celeb crushes, sometimes it's on a man, sometimes on a woman. Lexa doesn't ask. It is the only thing they do not talk about.

They go shopping at the mall together. They are browsing through the cheap jewelry stands when a silver pendant catches Lexa's eye. It has a really unoriginal design, really : an infinity symbol, something a white girl would get tattooed on her neck and regret it a few years later. It reminds her a bit of a show she used to watch in junior school. But on this one a part is missing, as if it were broken, or unfinished, Lexa is not sure. She like the idea of a "broken infinity" although she cannot really say why.

"I like this one." She tells Clarke.  
"Mm, oh yeah, looks nice." Clarke says picking the pendant up and turning it around in her hands. "You should get it."  
Lexa is not a jewelry girl, she never was. Sure she owns a few trinkets, gifts from people who don't really know her, but jewelry is such a hassle - and a safety hazard for some pieces - she doesn't understand why people even bother. The pendant barely costs ten dollars, but what's the point of spending money on something she knows she isn't going to wear ? Besides, there are a few books she has been meaning to get.  
"Nah, I have better things to do with my money." she says. Clarke puts the pendant down and they head for the exit.

On the last day before Chrimas break, without either of them mentioning it beforehand, they exchange gifts in the library. Including the time they spent chatting online they've known each other for a little bit over four months. It is the first time Lexa buys a Christmas present for someone who isn't part of her family, but it feels right to do so. She gets Clarke that Final Fantasy VII t-shirt she had seen her oggling online and Clarke takes off her jumper to put it on. It fits perfectly.  
"I have something for you too." Clarke says and hands her a much smaller package. Despite being an accomplished artist, Clarke cannot wrap a gift to save her life. It's a mess of wrapping paper - a "happy birthday" themed one, because it was all she could find - and tape. Inside is the pendant Lexa had been looking at that day at the mall.  
"I know you don't wear jewelry, but you seemed to really like this one." Clarke explains. "Also, I didn't have enough money left from my allowance to get a chain, I hope this is okay."  
Indeed, instead of a chain, the pendant hangs on a slim off-white ribbon. It looks cheap and silly and so Clarke ! It is the most beautiful things Lexa has ever seen.  
"I love it." she says.  
"Here, let me" Clarke says taking the necklace from Lexa's hand. She walks behind her and swipe Lexa's curls to the side - running her fingers through them in the process, like she always does - to tie the ribbon around her neck. Clarke's fingers brushing against her skin give Lexa's goosebumps. It is so innocent and so intimate at the same time, Lexa is not sure how she is supposed to feel. So she stays still and puts on the best poker face. She swears she feels Clarke caressing the nape of her neck before letting her hair fall back over it. Clarke hops back around and looks at the way the pendant rests just above the hem of Lexa's V-neck shirt.

"How do I look ?" Lexa asks  
Clarke looks into her eyes. "Perfect". she says.  
They may look at each other in silence for a little longer than would be appropriate even for best friends, and Lexa may blush a little bit, she will never admit to it though.  
"So," Clarke jumps back to her seat and picks up her pen, "who do you think makes more sense with Hinata ? Neji or Sakura ?"

The ribbon gets soggy in the shower when Lexa forgets to take it off, and after two weeks if gets slightly too gray for it to be socially acceptable. So she recycles a stainless steel chain from her own collection of unused trinkets. She keeps the ribbon as a bookmark for her _Course in General Structure_ copy.

At the end of the school year Clarke gets accepted into a nursing school. It is a long way from Linguistics, but she says that in the back of her mind she always knew she would follow in her mother's footsteps somehow. The school is in Tondc, on the directy opposite direction of Polis from Arkadia. Clarke's mother has no choice but to let her get a place of her own there.

Summer passes by both fast and slow. There are late night conversations, all day gaming sessions and a few sleepovers. But Lexa cannot get over the fact that Clarke will not be there in September.

Lexa sits with Clarke's friends for the first week, but she never feels fully included into their group. It is probably her own fault, she never made any real effort to get to know them the year before. So she throws herself completely into her studies. Who needs friends when you can have academic excellence ?  
She still goes to the library, but not as often as she used to, and mainly to borrow books. It doesn't make any sense to study there on her own when she can do the very same thing in her own room with her own computer and music playing.  
She always logs in on messenger, out of habit.

Lexa misses Clarke like she never though she could ever miss someone. Surely they chat online every night, but it just doesn't feel the same. She misses the random hugs and scalp massages, she misses the way they communicate with a single gaze, she misses Clarke's voice, Clarke's laugh, Clarke's smell. Lexa realizes that along the way she might have - probably, possibly - fallen in love with her best friend. Of course, how original !

Meanwhile Clarke tells her about the new people she meets. There's that girl, Raven, for a while she is the only thing Clarke ever talks about. At first Lexa is glad Clarke is making friends, but she can't help but feel like she is being replaced. The more time Clarke spends with Raven, the more Lexa hates hearing about her. But Raven is important to Clarke, so she lets her gush about how awesome Raven is, about how she has the coolest car, how good she is with technology and how she told a teacher off the other day but got away with it because she has such good grades. This is what friends do.  
When Clarke asks her how her day went she answers " same old." It's not easy making new friends.  
Then there's that boy, Finn, Clarke never talked about boys before and Lexa wonder if he will be the one Clarke finally choose. The one who finally break her heart. Lexa's, not Clarke's.

Sometimes Lexa imagine going all the way to Tondc to surprise Clarke so that they can spend the day together.  
She doesn't have a car, she failed her driver's test three times.  
There's no bus connexion, no trains. She's broke.  
It doesn't fit in her schedule.  
Excuses.

Clarke has a party for her birthday in November, it is a a simple thing, really, just a few friends, drinks and games at her mother's place in Arkadia. Raven and Finn will be there and Lexa is not really sure she wants to go, but it's Clarke, and Octavia will be there too.

Lexa gets along surprisingly well with Raven. They match in terms of intellectual skills, but also of how protective they are of Clarke. They both agree on how precious she is.

Lexa is not really sure about Finn, something is off with him, but maybe she is just wary of all men in general.  
Turns out Raven and Finn were together all along, funny, huh ?

After the party all the guests leave, but Lexa stays, mostly because she doesn't have a ride home, but also because it is their thing. They set up Lexa's mattress right next to Clarke's bed and bring all the blankets down so they can snuggle in front of the TV, with their back resting against Clarke's bedframe. Clarke starts a DVD and Lexa opens a bag of skittles.

None of them really pay attention to the movie. It is late and they are tired, and Clarke is pressed against Lexa, running her hands up and down her arms.  
"I'm so jealous sometimes ! You're so fit, it's incredible" Clarke says.  
"Thank you." Lexa mumbles. She is not used to compliments, no even from Clarke.  
"Take off your shirt"  
"What ?"  
"I want to give you a proper massage, you feel tense, come on." Clarke say tugging on Lexa's shirt.  
This how Lexa ends up shirtless in her best friend's bedroom. She has never been able to say no to Clarke.  
"You're beautiful Lexa." Clarke says, running her fingers along Lexa's spine. "You've always been so beautiful."  
For a short moment Lexa believes her and it makes her heart swell in her chest. Clarke rubs her hands all over Lexa's back, she knows exactly which muscle to target, how to twist her hand just the right way. She is going to make a fantastic nurse. Lexa puts all she has into not reacting to the touch. There is nothing sexual there, there cannot be. This is a friend thing, this is what Clarke does, what she has always done. Did Clarke just sniff her shoulder?  
The movie ends and Clarke gives Lexa her shirt back and offers they go to bed now.

Lexa lies on her back, staring at Clarke's ceiling, wondering how many times she had slept in that exact same spot and if she ever will again. Moonlight filters through the cracks in the blinds and make random shadow patterns on the ceiling She can hear Clarke toss and turn in her own bed. She has always been a fussy sleeper.  
"Lexa."  
"Hn..."  
"I miss you."  
"I'm right here, Clarke."  
"You know what I mean, it's all different now."  
"I know, it's not the same at Polis U either."  
Clarke extends her arm over the side of her bed to touch Lexa's hair. Lexa grabs her hand and intertwines their fingers. She sits up in her makeshift bed and stares at Clarke.

Maybe its the buzz from the alcohol, maybe its the darkness, or just the way Clarke looks back at her, but somehow Lexa thinks she has a chance.  
So she kisses her. At first it's is just a small touch and Clarke barely reacts. Then Lexa presses her lips more firmly against Clarke's, bumping their noses in the process. Lexa snakes an arm around Clarke's waist. Clarke responds to the kiss and brings her hand to rest on Lexa's side. It is also Clarke who ends the kiss, for a second Lexa chases her mouth with her own, but Clarke pulls back completely and sighs.  
"I'm sorry" she says. "I don't... I don't think I'm ready to be with anyone. Not yet."  
Lexa nods. She understands. Clarke has never shown any interest in dating, it's not about her. That doesn't mean her heart doesn't break just a little bit, though.  
"Lexa..." Clarke calls after a moment of silence.  
Lexa doesn't answer, she lies back down in her bed and turns around. She hears Clarke sigh again before falling asleep.

They do not talk about it in the morning. Clarke's attitude doesn't change, she still jokes and touches her as if nothing happened. They do not talk about it the day after either, nor the day after that. Lexa is not sure how to breach the subject. Days turn into weeks and Lexa pushes that kiss to the back of her mind, to the back of her heart. She gets very good at pretending it never happened too, so good that sometimes she wonders if really it wasn't just something she dreamt.

Clarke moves away across the country. Lexa does too, but on the oposite side. She spends two years living with her cousin Anya, training and building up a bit of self-confidence. She still chats with Clarke online sometimes, but the conversation soon dwindles down to common small talk and dies. Clarke still talks about her RPG games, but Lexa has stopped playing them. She doesn't remember when or why, it's just that along the way, she stopped having time for it.

They make new friends, change e-mail adresses, changes phones, don't always keep up. The messaging system they used dies and Facebook takes its place. They do not add each other as friends. Sometimes Lexa toys with the idea of looking Clarke up online, but what's the point ? They stopped having meaningful conversations long before losing touch.

She keeps the pendant, sees it every morning in the mirror.

Lexa moves back home. She finally gets her licence. She gets a job too, in a small town about one hour and a half ride away from Polis. Not too far so she can come back and visit her family from time to time, but far enough that she can be certain to never randomly run into anyone from her past there. She works in a bookstore now. It is a long shot from linguistic research, but she finds out that she likes it. It allows her to have regular human interactions, without having to put too much effort into it, without it really meaning anything. She is perfectly okay with that.

Sometimes Lexa drives past the exit to Arkadia, Clarke's hometown, and wonders if her parents still live there. She never takes that exit.

Sometimes she thinks about sending Clarke and e-mail, surely she must still check her old account from time to time. Something along the lines of "Hey, I drove past Arkadia today, made me think of you. How are you doing after all this time ?"  
She never does.  
Too little too late.

Lexa signs up in a new dojo, Indra, the trainer is demanding and ruthless, it is perfect. She never takes the pendant off. It's not that she doesn't want to, she just doesn't think about it. It has been there for so long she hardly notices it. But people do : "Why don't you take your necklace off, it could be dangerous ?" "Aren't you afraid of losing it ?" Lexa just shrugs, she's more afraid of breaking her glasses. After a while they stop asking.

From time to time she absent-mindedly slides the pendant back and forth along the chain and brings it to her lips. Not really kissing it, just feeling it, rubbing the little ring that holds the pendant to the chain across her lips. She does that when's she anxious or just thinking. lt 's familiar, comforting, it helps her focus. Last December she had been wearing it for ten years straight. She counted. The chain has been broken and replaced twice.

Some people compliment her on her pendant. When they ask what it means she says "It's a symbol of broken infinity, it means that nothing lasts forever." which makes her sound like a deep, pragmatic philosopher. What she doesn't say is "It was given to me by someone really important to me and I am scared that if I take it off, that statement will come true."

Octavia visits her from time to time. Sometimes she brings Raven along, they are together now. Turned out Finn really was an ass. They never mention Clarke, they too have lost touch.

She meets new people, has a few girlfriends : all of them are dark, skinny brunettes. None of them really mean anything.  
Costia is the one who stays the longest. They start off as friends who occasionnaly sleep together, because, hey, it's nice. After a while Costia moves in, out of habit. They are good together, it's simple, safe. For a while Lexa thinks that it is enough. Then Costia meets someone else, Niylah makes her feel things that Lexa never did. It is powerful and scary. "It's okay" Lexa says. She wants her to be happy. There is no drama, they remain the best of friends. When Costia and and Niylah have their first fight, Lexa takes her back in, wraps her in a blanket and feeds her ice cream. This is what friends do.  
A few months later Niylah moves back North and Costia follows. She's happy.

Lexa doesn't keep anything that belonged to her.

Lexa has a job she adores, she lives in a good place, has a few good friend and is well on her way to second Dan. So what if she's on her own ? Life is good, she's happy too.

Lexa is printing price stickers for a stack of Post Apocalyptic YA novels when a blond woman walks into the store and goes straight to Lexa's counter. She is wearing a black blazer and a rather short skit. She is beautiful, and somehow familiar.  
"Excuse me, i'm looking for the third book in the _Ender's Game_ series, do you known where I can find it ? "  
The voice is low an raspy and triggers something in Lexa's that she can't really pinpoint, something like a distant memory resting on the back of her mind.  
"You okay ?"  
Lexa realizes she has spaced out. She shrugs, smiles, and does a quick computer search for the book.  
"I'm afraid we don't have it in store, but I could order it for you if you want." she offers automatically. Nine time out of ten people answer that they will order online, but this is still her job.  
"Depends, how long will it take?" the blond answers.  
"Shouldn't be more than a few days, a week max if the delivery happens to be held back."  
"Oh, well, I'm in town for two weeks, so yes please."  
Lexa smiles and pushes a few keys, like she's done a hundrer times.  
"I'm gonna need a few details, may I have you last name, please ?"  
" It's Griffin G-R-I-F-F-I-N".  
Lexa grabs her broken infinity pendant with her left hand and brings it to her lips while she hits "enter" with the right. She hasn't heard that name in a very long time, it's not that common and it makes her chest feel warm. She focuses back on her screen. How silly, it's just a name, probably shared by thousands of people across the country.  
"First name ?"  
"Clarke, with an "e" at the end."  
Lexa's head shoot up and she looks into the stanger's eyes.  
"Clarke ?" she repeats and drops the pendant back onto her chest.

Clarke Griffin's eyes follow the pendant and she stares at it for a few seconds until recognition dawns on her. She looks back up at the bookstore clerk and a wide smile appears on her face.

" Hi. "


	2. Chapter 2

At first I ended it right here because this story is based on my very own college experience. I haven't gotten to the last part yet, I probably never will, so I didn't want to write more because I didn't know what happens. But I'm a sucker for happy ending, so there it is, onward to chapter II !

* * *

"I can't believe it! This is amazing! How long has it been?!" Clarke Griffin exclaims, practically bouncing on her feet.

"I..." Lexa hesitates. Maybe she is daydreaming again, the gods know how many times she has imagined this encounter.

"Lexa Woods, right?" Clarke asks, as if Lexa did not remember her. As if Lexa had not spent the last ten years mentally beating herself up for letting their friendship go down the drain.  
"Please tell me you're Lexa Woods and I did not make a fool of myself in front of a complete stranger, because you do look exactly like her and you have that pendant so..." Clarke starts rambling and damn Lexa has missed this. She smiles.

"Hello, Clarke."

"Oh Thanks God! I mean, I totally knew it was you! It's incredible you haven't changed at all! Same face, same hair, you're still so fit too!"

It is true that Lexa has very little changed since high school, physically anyway. Clarke, on the other hand, looks completely different. A good different. She still sports the same generous curves she did back in college, only with more confidence. Lexa has always known how beautiful Clarke was, but now it is out there for the whole world to know. No more hiding her perfect breasts under sport bras and ill-fitting band t-shirts. This Clarke wears a tight black top under her blazer, low cut enough to reveal the lacy trim of her black and white push-up. Her skirt and heels, though modest enough in style, make her legs go on forever and bring out the soft dip of her calves. Clarke holds herself like the goddess Lexa always knew she was, like every single uncovered inch of skin is a gift she is graciously bestowing onto the world. Lexa's mouth goes dry, and she feels painfully underdressed in her faded jeans, generic grey t-shirt, and, of course, the cheap store-issued vest she is required to wear.

Clarke is interning at Walden Hospital for two more weeks. She is shadowing the head nurse here, to learn the ropes of her new position as Head of the Transfer service. It is a new thing halfway between administration and nursing that Polis hospital is implementing: a whole crew devoted to making sure all the patients medical needs are taken into account when transferring from one service to another.

"Basically I'll be in charge." Clarke explains "Even if the doctors take the decisions, it will be up to me to see that everything runs smoothly."

"That is... A lot of responsibilities" Lexa comments.

Clarke shrugs. "Someone has to do it. Besides, I get to tell my mom if, when, and how she can transfer her patients, which is awesome. But what about you? Last time I checked you were on your way to becoming the youngest Linguistics lecturer at Polis U.

Lexa doesn't want to talk about it.

She doesn't want to talk about how empty she felt during the second and third years of college. About how she transferred to Mount Weather U in an attempt to find something to ground her. About how she let Anya drag her to her weekly Monday night pub crawl. She doesn't want to talk about how she tried to drink herself into oblivion, showing up hungover on her Tuesday classes, and still acing every single one of them because apparently Alexandria Woods is an extra hoe incapable of letting anything go – or maybe just because Lacanian rhetoric makes way more sense when you have alcohol in your bloodstream still.

She doesn't want to talk about how she failed, just short of post grad, because she just could not bring herself to work on her thesis. How she alienated everyone around and spent most of her time cooped up in her room, randomly browsing the internet, carefully avoiding any website even remotely relevant to her study, or sometimes just sleeping the day away. She doesn't want to talk about how Anya had to physically pick her up, send her back to Polis and personally ask Indra to train her back in shape.

She doesn't want to talk about how when Costia left she did not feel anything, how it did not matter, how nothing really mattered at all. She doesn't want to talk about how she came to accept that she was broken, that there was nothing she could do about it. About how she is only just starting to learn how to live with it.

"Stuff happened." she simply says. "I realized I wasn't made for this, I guess, besides now I really like what I do."

Clarke nods, like she understands. " That's okay, maybe someday you'll want to talk about it."

"Yeah, maybe someday."

"So..."  
"So..."  
"Your book."

"Yeah, let's order it."

"I still need your phone number, so you can get a text when it gets there."

"So that's the line you use to get pretty girls to give you their number. Smooth."

This makes Lexa stops for a moment. How can Clarke bring this up so casually, after only a few minutes? Clarke laughs.

"Come on, as if you were ever subtle about it. I clearly remember that time we went into mom's liquor cabinet and you proceeded to tell me how Angelina Jolie's legs were the best thing ever and all the filthy things you would let her do to you."

 _Not to mention how I kissed you and made it very clear I was interested in you._ Lexa thinks but does not say anything. Is Clarke thinking about it too? Is this it? The moment they address the elephant in the room? Ten years later? Really? Lexa has the decency to blush and shake her head.

Clarke reaches for a marker and a sticky note on Lexa's desk. "Anyway, here's my number, you can use it for my order, but you can also put it in your own phone and call me or text me. And crap, now that song is gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of the day."

No, Clarke hasn't changed at all.

"And Lexa,"

"Yes."  
"It was really good seeing you again."

For a moment Lexa thinks Clarke is about to hug her. She wants Clarke to hug her, to feel those arms around her just one more time, and does her hair still smell as sweet as they used to? And why is that soccer mom with her two kids making frustrated sounds behind Clarke? Oh yeah, work.

Clarke leaves the store with a wave and a smile as Lexa pockets the yellow post-it note and greets her next customer with a forced smile.

* * *

Lexa gets to relearn everything about Clarke, all the little things she thought she had forgotten but never quite did. Like how Clarke loves working with black charcoal but hates watercolors with a passion. How she has the most random – but endearing – obsession with ugly baby animals. How she never actually did get the hang of reading time on an analogue clock.

It turns out that even though they have been apart for almost ten years their tastes have remained pretty much in sync, they have both gradually let go of their obsession with anime and turned to sci fi TV shows. Lexa has developed a passion for zombie lore while Clarke is all about dystopian survival flicks. And though Lexa has been sorted into Hufflepuff while Clarke claims to be a Slytherin, both have kept an unwavering faith in the Harry Potter franchise.

Texting is safe, it is not so different from instant messaging, and Lexa can work with that. She can pretend her life hasn't just been turned upside down once again. She can pretend Clarke is just another faceless tumblr friend she interacts with between two episodes of The Walking Dead. Two days later Lexa's phone proudly display 1054 as the number of texts they have exchanged.

Clarke : Hey can I come over ?

Lexa freezes. It is past eight, her flat is a mess, she has the last 30 pages of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies to read, she was supposed to get some long overdue ironing done.

Clarke : ? Lexa, you there ?

Lexa : Sorry, you wanna come over to my place ? Now ?

Clarke : Yeah. I'm bored.

Clarke : the hotel wifi is crap. I'm done with Speaker of the Dead and the bookstore won't have the next one before a few days ;) so i guess that makes it your fault Im bored so u have to entertain me

Lexa : oh. But what do you want to do ?

Clarke : dunno, hang out I guess. I can bring take out

Lexa : I have already eaten.

Clarke : nbd, me too. I'll bring something to drink instead

Lexa : I have to work in the morning.

Clarke : I know, me too

Clarke : look if u dont want me to come over its okay, sorry I asked

Clarke : its just I keep thinking about you

Lexa : ...?

Clarke : I mean I can't believe we met again just like that and I gues I just wanted to see you. But forget it, sorry. I forgot how you hate last minute plans

Lexa : Oh

 _Oh!_

Clarke : the hotels wifi is still crap tho lol

Clarke : can u believe its 2016!

Lexa : Ok

Clarke : what?

Lexa : Ok come over. I was a bit bored too

It is totally untrue, but Lizzie and Darcy can wait, right ?

And so they start hanging out at Lexa's place. Walden really is a small town. Clarke's hotel is barely a few minutes away from Lexa's place. It is amazing how easy it is now compared to how they had to plan days ahead back then and arrange for one of them to get a ride when they wanted to do something. It is amazing how easy it is to talk to Clarke, to be with Clarke again. It is amazing how Lexa falls back into her old habits. She starts carrying her phone with her at work, even though she is not supposed to. She knows Ontari has noticed, she hasn't rated her out to the boss, yet.

It is Thursday and they are watching reruns of one of Clarke's TV show at Lexa's. Well, Clarke is, Lexa is trying to pretend that she does not notice the heat coming from Clarke's body, that their thighs are not touching and that she cannot smell Clarke's shampoo every time she moves her head. Suddenly Clarke flops down across Lexa's lap and Lexa's heart skips a bit.

"Just pull that lever already," she groans at the TV "We all know you're gonna do it." and she throws a few skittles at the screen.

Lexa fights the urge to get up and lock herself in her bedroom, but Clarke is already making herself comfortable, eyes closed and humming softly.

Hesitantly she brings her hand to Clarke's head, unsure as to whether she is allowed to touch her, whether she should allow herself to. Clarke's hair is still as soft as they were. Lexa wonders if she ever told her how much she adores her curls. She probably did, maybe around that time Clarke toyed with the idea of getting dreadlocks just to annoy her mother.

Lexa lets her fingers sink into Clarke's glorious mane and starts stroking it gently. Clarke reacts with a soft moan and Lexa wonders if she knows the effect she has on her. Probably not. Clarke has always been a physical person, she has always been about the casual touching, Lexa reminds herself, this never did and never will mean anything.

Obviously bored with the TV, Clarke rolls around onto her back and look at Lexa from below.  
"I can't believe you kept this," she says reaching Lexa's pendant.

"I like it." Lexa answers.

"I know, but, ten years!"

 _It is important to me, you were important to me._ "I guess I got used to it."

"Mm," Clarke is unconvinced. Lexa rolls her eyes.

"What do you want me to say Clarke?" She asks, a bit more forcefully than she meant to. "That I held on to it, because it reminded me of you? Because it... well, it actually did." She deflates.

Clarke blinks and stares at her before breaking into a smile.

"Aw, Lex, you've always been the sweetest." She snakes her arms around Lexa's waist and hugs her belly.

"I wish I had had something to remind me of you all these years."

Lexa has nothing to answer.

"Why did we stop talking anyway?" Clarke asks into Lexa's sweater.

" _I don't know, I fell in love with you and you were just so oblivious it broke my heart and I couldn't bear not being the closest to you anymore, so I distanced myself in the hope of forgetting all about it. It didn't work by the way."_ Lexa thinks. "I don't know" she says."we just...went our own ways... I guess."  
Clarke chuckles and turns around to look up at Lexa.

"Oh I forgot how, hum, lackadaisical you can be sometimes."

"Lackadaisical, Clarke, really? Beside you know I've never been talkative one."

"Hey! I have a college degree too! But you're right, you've always been a little aloof. I remember how you always looked like you just hated everyone around.

"Not everyone, not you."

"I know, not me, but do you remember how cold you were with Harper and Zoe. And I swear Jasper was actually terrified of you."

Lexa does not remember Zoe or Harper or any other of her former friends Clarke starts babbling about. The names sound familiar, but she'll be damned if she can put a face on them. Oh wait she does remember Zoe, she died during their third year of undergrad, the whole class went to her funeral. Lexa did not. She wonders if Clarke knows about her.

"I missed you." Lexa says.

"Hey, I was only ever an e-mail away, you know."

"You know what I mean." Lexa answers, thinking that yes, they've already had that conversation, many, many years ago.

" I know." Clarke says, and Lexa wonders if she, too, remembers.

They remain silent for a moment, Clarke's head still resting on Lexa's lap, Lexa's hand still in Clarke's hair.

"I missed you too." she finally says. Lexa nods.

They watch as the guy on screen finds himself locked in an anti nuclear shelter aparently controled by some sort of AI. Lexa has her doubts about the quality of that show, but whatever Clarke wants. Whatever Clarke wants.

* * *

Clarke's internship at Walden Hospital ends two days later, she goes back to Polis. They keep texting, though a bit less frequently, Clarke is swamped with her new position at work. Lexa's phone goes back into her locker.

Raven and Octavia invite Lexa over for dinner. It is something they started doing when Costia moved away. They have dinner together every other month, sometimes they have other guests but mostly it is only the three of them. Octavia introduced it as a way to make sure they stay in touch, but Lexa always knew it was so she could keep an eye on her. She remembers Clarke was friend with them too.

Lexa : Hey are you free on Saturday evening?

Clarke : I got work all day but nothing planned for the evening

Clarke : why? are you in Polis? Want to hang out?

Lexa : I am, actually, I'm having dinner at Octavia and Raven and I was wondering if you wanted to join us?

Clarke : OMG I haven't seen either of them in ages! Of course I will join you, if they're okay with it, of course

Lexa : Great

Lexa : You know what, I'll just tell them I'm bringing someone, let's make it a surprise.

Clarke : devious I approve

Lexa : Octavia said to be there at 8, I can pick you up if you want to, since you've never been at their place.

Clarke : brilliant its a date

Of course it is not a date, Lexa knows that, that does not stop her from trying on eighteen different outfits before going back to her regular jeans and black tank top.

It is Octavia who opens the door.

"Hey Lexa! So, who's your mysterious date?"

"Hey O'" Clarke announces herself.

Octavia takes a step back and blinks. "Clarke?"

"It's so good to see you O'!" Clarke squeals, Lexa steps aside and Clarke launches herself at Octavia, wrapping her in a short but intense bear hug.

"So good to see you too!" Octavia answers "Oh my, Raven is going to freak! Rae!" she calls "Babe, come see who's with the Commander!"

A curious Raven emerges from the kitchen.

"Oh my god Clarke! Is it really you?!" She almost screams. In a flash Raven's arms are around Clarke's back and they starts moving together slightly.

Clarke and Raven fit in a way Lexa and Clarke never did. Raven leans in just so easily, as if touching Clarke was as natural as breathing. And just like that it is the second year of college all over again. Lexa feels the old jealousy building up inside her. It is ridiculous, really, Raven is a good person, she is her friend, and Raven is perfectly happy with Octavia, which, really, should not even matter since Clarke is not into women anyway. Still, Lexa cannot help but think it was a mistake to invite Clarke along. It is obvious Clarke and Raven have something Clarke and Lexa will never have, it is obvious Raven will always be Clarke's first pick for everything. Lexa knows this was inevitable, she just wishes she had kept Clarke for herself just a little bit longer.

She feels a hand on her shoulder.

"Lexa, wanna come and help me with dinner?" Lexa nods and follows Octavia into the kitchen.

"I must say when you say you were bringing an extra someone I would never have guessed Clarke Griffin." Octavia says "I was kind of hoping you were dating again."

"Well you know me." Lexa answers, shrugging.

They work in silence, for a moment, Lexa getting plates and cutlery from the cupboards while Octavia retrieves the chicken from the oven.

"Are you okay?" Octavia asks.

"Sure." Lexa answers dismissively.

"No, I mean, are you _okay_?" Octavia insists.

Lexa never told Octavia about her feelings for Clarke, she never actually told anyone at all - except that one time when she made a 3am drunk post on her persona LiveJournal and deleted it the next morning – but maybe Octavia knows somehow.

Lexa nods, "Of course I am."

Before Octavia can protest Raven and Clarke walk into the room laughing.

"And so this is how she got the nickname!" Raven finishes.

"Oh no you didn't!" Lexa exclaims rolling her eyes "Come on, Raven, that was five years ago! Get over it!"

"I'm sorry Lexa, but this will never be not funny!" Raven answers.

"They were 6th graders, Lexa!" Octavia adds and Lexa pouts.

"What? are you ashamed... Commander?" Clarke asks with a smirk.

"Don't you dare!"

"Don't worry," Clarke says "I still love you even when you're being extra!"

Octavia give Lexa a pointed look and Lexa glares at her.

The three girls catch up on the ten years they spend apart. Clarke is surprisingly unsurprised to learn how Finn cheated on Raven for a whole school year until she found his making out with an equally unsuspecting freshman. She is also kind of happy and smug about being the whole reason Raven and Octavia met in the first place. And of course they get to the subject of her dating.

"Nope, very single, and happy about it at the moment. Free as a bird." She answers to Raven's never ending line of questions.

"Okay, right now, but surely a babe like you must have gotten some at some point, right?"

"Well, there was that girl in the first hospital I interned..." Clarke blushes.

 _Girl?_

"Girl?" Octavia has to ask.

"Yeah, nothing serious though, but, you know."

Raven laughs and slaps Clarke's back. "Good for you girl!"

"Anyway, it never led to anything serious, so here I am!" Clarke exclaims before taking a bite of her meal. "This is really good O'! Is it rosemary you used on the potatoes?"

Raven laughs again "Wow, Princess, deflective much? Well at least you're not all sulking about it like the Commander here."

"I'm not sulking" Lexa mumbles.

"Come on Lexa, don't be like that, we were there when Costia left."

Raven and Octavia are great people, but to this day they never fully understood that it was not the breakup that broke Lexa but rather the emptiness of her life, the realization that there was nothing she actually looked forward to. Costia had been good, a way to pass the time and pretend she was normal but when she left all it did was expose the pointlessness of Lexa's life.

Lexa is grateful she has told Clarke about Costia beforehand. It allows her to answer with a non committal grunt – which earns her a laugh from Raven – and not to delve further into the subject.

Lexa eats slowly, silently. Octavia and Clarke reminisce about the stints Octavia's idiot brother pulled in high school and Raven punctuates their conversation with loud bursts of her boisterous laugh.

" _I could disappear"_ , Lexa thinks. She could disappear right here right now and no one would notice a thing. There are four people at that table, but she still feels like the third wheel. Clarke probably likes her, as a friends, that is for sure, but she doesn't need her. She never did.

The moment they are finished eating Lexa gets up and offers to do the dishes. There is nothing she wants more than to go back home and get under her covers, but she is Clarke's ride and it would not be fair to cut her evening short when she is enjoying herself. So she waits until a little bit over midnight when she suddenly gets up and announces that they should be getting home.

"Already, Lexa?" Raven whines, "but you guys only got there!"

"Yeah, Lex, Raven and O' were just about to show the pictures they took on their road trip last summer." Clarke adds.

"Well, it's late" Lexa answers coldly "and I want to go home."

Lexa walks to the lobby and Clarke follows her, leaving Raven and Octavia dumbfounded on the couch.

"Lexa, what happened back there?"

"It's late Clarke, and I need to drive back to Walden."

"That's not what I'm talking about and you know it. I know you Lexa, I saw how you shut down halfway through dinner! You barely said a word since... Is is because Raven mentioned your ex? What happened, what did I... No, Is it because I told them about that girl? Really?" Clarke asks, clearly angry now. " I can't believe it! How can YOU of all people have something to say about this?"

"It's just... forget it." Lexa shakes her head and walks past Clarke to retrieve her coat. "I just want to go home, now."

"No. You're freaking out Lexa, and I want to know why." Clarke advances toward Lexa, effectively trapping her against the shoe cabinet.

Lexa bits her lips and glances at the ceiling, looking for the strength to continue this conversation.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks softly. Clarke shrugs and looks away."Five weeks, Clarke! We've been talking for five week and you never once mentioned her to me! I thought we were friends again."

"I didn't think it was important."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Well, she never was to me. I don't even remember her name!"

"It's not... it's not about that girl in particular, it's, I never thought... I never thought you would be interested in girls."

Clarke looks taken aback.

"But you always knew I don't give a shit about gender!"

"No I DIDN'T, Clarke!" Lexa almost yells "I never did. You drop a bomb like this on me and expect me to be fine with this."

Confusion appears on Clarke's face, but almost immediately turns into anger.

"Why do you care anyway? It's not as if -"

"I..."

"You know what? You're right, forget it."

She struts back into the living room to say goodbye to Raven and Octavia.

"Clarke, wait!" Lexa calls after her "I drove you here, you can't go!"

"I'll catch a bus, or take a cab, whatever!" Clarke spits " Rae, O', it was really lovely seeing you, I'll text you tomorrow."

She kisses both their cheeks and walks out without sparing a glance at Lexa.

Once Clarke is out of the door Octavia turns to Lexa with a stern look. "What happened?" She asks.

"I screwed up O'." Lexa says.

"Well, we got that, but what did you do?"

"I... I don't know."

"Real question is, Commander, why are you still here?" Raven asks.

Lexa gives a nod grabs her car keys and runs after Clarke.

Clarke is already almost two block away when Lexa catches up with her. She slows down to her walking pace and calls her name from the car window. Clarke ignores her the first three times but Lexa keeps driving by her side.

"Clarke, it's past midnight, you're not gonna find a cab and it's freezing! Please just let me drive you home."

Clarke stops and glares at her. "Fine!" she says in an exasperated sigh. Lexa stops the car to let her climb in the passenger seat.

"Clarke I'm -" she starts, but Clarke turns her head to look out of the window, making it clear she doesn't want to talk.

* * *

After the fifteen longest minutes of Lexa's life she stops the car in front of Clarke's apartment lot and turns the engine off.

"Clarke," she pleads, reaching for Clarke's wrist.

Clarkes snatches her arm away. "I'm angry at you" she reminds Lexa.

"I know, but we're friends" Lexa insists "and I care about you, can't we just talk about it?

Clarke seems to ponder this for a moment, "Okay. Talk," she finally concedes.

"I don't know where to start" Lexa says, taking a deep breath. Clarke crosses her arms and looks at her.

"Okay." Lexa says "I overreacted."

Clarke nods. "Yes you did, yes."

"And I'm sorry."

"I got that, what I don't understand how my sexuality could be such a big deal to you?"

"Thing is, well, it might seem trivial to you but to me it's very important because well, for me it was such an important part of my experience and I was angry that I didn't have that piece of information even though you're, like, my best friend. But maybe it was my fault for working so hard to convince myself that you were straight. "

"So what you're saying is -"

"I'm not mad you were with a woman, obviously."

"You were mad I didn't tell you."

"I was mad it wasn't me."

"Oh."

 _Oh, no_ , this is not how Lexa wanted this conversation to go. Clarke doesn't move. Lexa shakes her head.

"Look I'm sorry. I Known you don't want to hear it. And I know I'm a terrible person, and I know you deserve so much better than that. But seeing you there with Raven, and then hearing about that girl, I... look I know I have no right to be jealous, I guess I just wanted to pretend for a little longer that the reason you didn't want me was not, you know, actually me."

Clarke closes her eyes and bits her lips. "I'm not sure I understand."

"I think I wanted to believe that you were just not interested in women in general so that's why you weren't interested in me, but it turned out women were an option all along, it's just me who wasn't. So yeah it made me mad, I guess, sadder than mad, actually, but it will be okay, I just need to get over it."

Before Lexa can slip further into self pity Clarke reaches for her hand and squeezes it.

"Who says you aren't?"

Lexa looks at her with a surprised look on her face. Clarke brings her free hand to Lexa's jaw and starts stroking her cheek with her thumb.

"All this time I spent at your place in the last five weeks and you had no clue?"

"I-" Lexa stutters "but I'm a terrible person -"

Clarke smiles and shakes her head no. "Not even close." She whispers before bringing her lips to Lexa's.

They separate not for air but because the gear shift is painfully digging into Clarke's side and the front seats of a car are the least comfortable place to make out, ever.

"It's late." Clarke.

"Yes, I should go back to Walden."

"Or maybe you could... spend the night?"

Lexa raises an eyebrow. "

"Just, to sleep, you know." Clarke quickly adds. It it the first time Lexa sees Clarke acting so shy, and of course, it is not as if she would ever refuse her anything, so she kisses her once more for good measure before moving the car to a proper parking space.

Clarke lends Lexa an oversized t-shirt and boy's short to use as a sleeping gear and they do not pull out the spare mattress Clarke still keeps under her bed but snuggle under Clarke's blanket instead.

"Look at us, 28 year old having a sleepover, just like in college." Lexa says.

"Maybe not just like in college." Clarke answers, bringing one hand to trace Lexa's face while she wraps her other arms around her waist. "In college we never got to do this." She smiles as she kisses her fully.

"Maybe we should have." Lexas says playfully when they separate. It is only when she feels Clarke pull away that she realizes what she has just said. Both girls freeze.

"I never forgot." Clarke finally says in a breath. "It's just I meant it when I said I wasn't ready."

"I know." Lexa says quietly.

"But do you know it has always been you?"

Lexa ponders it for a moment. "I do, now." She answers.

Clarke kisses Lexa again and brings both her arms around her, effectively spooning her.

"You kept my pendant." Clarke states.

"Yes "

"After all this time."

"Always."

All is quiet for a few seconds, then Clarke swats Lexa's shoulder "Alexandria Woods! You did not quote Harry Potter at me just now!"

They both erupt in a fit of giggles and proceed to fall asleep with a smile on their faces.


End file.
